


Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum

by purpleraindr0ps



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Crack, Did i mention that this is crack, Humor, M/M, Minor lu han/yixing, Oh Sehun-centric, a whole lot of crack, dont deny, like seriously, sehun is a precious snowflake, why did I write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-17
Updated: 2016-11-17
Packaged: 2018-08-31 11:54:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8577535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purpleraindr0ps/pseuds/purpleraindr0ps
Summary: Sehun is a very special kid. and Baekhyun (& Luhan and Yixing) is so completely 100% done with him.(oh yeah, there is a lot of blinking going on. for whatever reasons.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy <33
> 
> I had a fun time writing this. hope you'll like it!

The alarm clock rings shrilly.

Sehun lets out a frustrated groan and rolls over in bed, tugging the fluffy white bedcovers up and over his head. He clenches his eyes shut, folds his long legs and hugs them to his chest. Placing his head between his knees, Sehun takes on the position of a foetus – the comforter around him can be his mother’s womb. Warm, comfortable, and most importantly, safe from the menace the outside world possess.

Don’t judge him – Oh Sehun is a kid whose brain works in ways most imaginative and unfathomable. Not everybody can truly understand him, and the fact pleases him immensely. Sehun is proud to be special because it means that his mind is off-limits to all ‘un-special’ people. Peasants, he calls them.

Once again, Sehun’s a special kid.

He’s about to drift off to a world where he’s floating on a puffy pink cotton candy cloud and drinking honey milk tea when he abruptly falls from his perch in the sky, towards some broccoli-trees. The bedcovers are roughly and rudely thrown off him, and he feels someone’s foot making an imprint on his butt – near the ass crack. And Sehun almost wails out loud because number one, he has just been tossed into the cold hard ruthless world when he’s nothing but a helpless little infant and babies cry for the sake of crying, don’t they? Secondly, his butt hurts like fuck. Sehun thinks that the pain wouldn’t be that bad should the offending foot mange to find its landing on one of his butt-cheeks. Granted there isn’t exactly much flesh there, but _some_ cushion is better that none at all right? Of course he’s right, that’s a given.

“What the hell, Baekhyun? What the fuck is wrong with you?” Sehun turns and glares at the bastard who kicked him, rubbing at the abused part of his anatomy. “I swear to god, if anything happens to my ass, I’m holding you accountable.”

 

Baekhyun simply rolls his eyes and snorts. “Tell you what, Sehun,” he says. “I give you my word that nothing else would happen to you if you get your skinny-ass self to school right now.”

Sehun yawns widely and stretches out his long limbs – letting out a soft pleased gasp when he hears the soft ‘pop’ of his joints.

“What’s it to you? Why do you care if I attend school or not. I’m the student and I’m not even bothered. So why should you?”

“And please don’t say anything disgusting like ‘I care because I love you and I’m a care bear’. I don’t have anything in my system to vomit out and for the record, care bears are hideous puke-worthy creatures with their rainbow tummies. And teletubbies are the source of all evil. Especially Tinky-Winky. Like, what’s with the red handbag? Seriously. It should be pink.”

Baekhyun blinks owlishly at the younger boy. Sehun blinks back. “Are we playing a blinking game?” he asks, eyes bright and lips stretched in a wide grin. “Because I have a feeling I could out-blink you and win.”

“I can never understand what’s going through that head of yours. To be honest, if I was given the chance to delve into the murky waters of your brain, I highly doubt I’d be foolish enough to take it,” Baekhyun crosses his arms across his chest and squints at the naked boy. “And you’re absolutely sure you weren’t dropped on your head when you were a baby? Not that there’s much of a difference between then and now anyways,” he quirks a perfectly manicured eyebrow at the younger boy.

Sehun scrunches his nose and throws a pillow forcefully in Baekhyun’s direction. The elder catches it easily with one hand.

“I am a grown man now, thank you very much,” Sehun huffs. “And I wasn’t dropped on my head, it just so happened that walls magically sprung up whenever I tried to walk. So I tripped and hit my head quite often. If only they were magical beanstalks. Then I could have met the fee-fi-fo-fum giant and demand to know why he was so mean to my good friend Jack,” a wistful expression crossed his features momentarily.

“In any case, do you mind closing your eyes? I feel terribly exposed,” he says while idly scratching his balls.

 

Baekhyun resists the urge to bitch-slap the boy. It was a hardl fought battle, the ‘no physical violence’ part of him only managing to scrape by.

In other words, Sehun was _this_ close to having a hand imprint on his face to go with the foot imprint on his butt.

The older boy’s left eye twitches. “Start wearing clothes to bed then. And spare me and my poor bleeding eyes from looking at this pile of skin and bones every morning when I try to wake you up. It isn’t exactly a pleasurable sight, Sehun,” he wrinkles his nose delicately.

The younger boy scoffs. “Unlike you, peasant, royalty like me like to sleep in the buff. I like my privates to breathe without any restrains, thank you very much.”

 

 

-

 

 

He gets hit in the face with a pillow for talking too much.

 

 

-

 

 

Sehun adjusts the strap of his backpack as he stands in front of a Starbucks café that he frequents every morning. He digs his phone out of his pants pocket to check the time, and then promptly lets loose a scream that would make a banshee proud and a string of colourful swear words when he sees that the electronic device is all but dead to the world – he forgot to charge the battery last night. Now how was he going to survive 8 hours of school without his precious Samsung? Sehun drags a hand down his face and goes, “Noooo…this cannot be happening to me. God, what have I done for you to hate me so?”

 

A lady walking out from the café gives him a strange look. Sehun pastes on his patented blank expression and looks back.

“Shoo,” he says – flicking his wrists in an outward direction. “Unless you want me to call the cops for sexual harassment.” Sehun leans in closer to her and whispers conspiratorially. “Because it’s quite evident that you’re stripping me down with your eyes.”

The woman blinks and hastily walks away, muttering something which sounds like ‘what a lunatic’.

Sehun barks out a disbelieving laugh. _I’m the crazy one when she’s being a fucking pedophile?!_

 

He scoffs and shakes his head because _What the hell is wrong with people_ , _seriously_ as he reaches out an arm to push the glass door. The faint tinkle of bells and a face full of air-conditioning welcome him into the café. The heavenly aroma of cocoa beans, freshly brewed coffee, and milk being warmed up wafts past causing the corners of Sehun’s lips to twitch in an upwards motion, small smile gracing his face and softening the pinched expression.

He walks to the front of the shop with long strides and places his palms on the counter-top. A young man with a head of auburn hair smiles at him from behind the cashier. New employee, Sehun notes absently. The nametag on his pristine white shirt reads ‘Luhan’.

“Good morning! Can I help you?”

“Yeah um…” Sehun taps his fingers against his chin as he stares with squinted eyes at the huge menu mounted on the wall. (Sehun’s one of those kids who avoid wearing glasses for the sake of looking good.)

After a good few seconds, he makes a decision and says, “Could you tell me why Baekhyun hyung is so hell-bent on making my life miserable?”

Luhan blinks and frowns confusedly. “I’m sorry, what?”

“I said - nevermind that. Just get me my usual. And make it a large,” Sehun says as he reaches a hand into his pocket. “The morning is absolutely shitty today, don’t you think?”

The cashier makes a non-committal sound at the back of his throat. “And what’s your usual, sir?”

Sehun looks up from his wallet – thinly veiled surprise swimming in the depths of his eyes as he voices out, disbelieving. “You don’t know what my usual is? How is that even possible? I order the same thing every single morning.”

“If you’re here every morning like you said, you’ll realise that the face I have is a face you have not seen before so yes, before you ask, I’m a newly employed staff and today is my very first day at work.”

 

Sehun arches an eyebrow and drawls out. “And..you’re telling me this because?”

The small polite smile remains on Luhan’s face but it appears a little strained, Sehun notes. He isn’t exactly sure why though.

“Because I assumed that you’d make the connection between me being new and hence not knowing what your usual is,” his smile slides off. “Apparently I was wrong and you’re a pretty boy with no brain.”

To say that Sehun was caught off-guard would be an understatement.

He blinks furiously at the boy standing cross-armed in front of him before bursting out into laughter. “You’re cute you know that?

 

“I’m also getting annoyed as fuck right now,” Luhan shoots back, completely unamused.”So if you please, just tell me what you’d like to order.”

Sehun stops laughing and peers at the irate boy. “Caramel Macchiato, extra whipped cream.”

“And you know what people say. When you assume, you’re making an ass out of you and me,” Sehun grins winningly.

 

Luhan simply rolls his eyes and pointedly ignores him.

“One large caramel Macchiato with extra whipped cream,” he punches in some keys on the cash register. “That will be $7.50 please.”

Sehun hands him eight bucks. “Keep the change,” he says with a wink that he’s learnt from his friend Kris. “The name’s Sehun by the way, Oh Sehun.”

 

Luhan fixes him with a stare that can only be described as baleful, and places 50 cents on the counter. He then goes to prepare Sehun’s drink.

 

 

-

 

 

“Hey Luhan, what’s the time now? Do you know?” Sehun asks when the other male comes back with his drink.

Luhan places the cup down and points at the clock mounted on the wall behind him. “There’s a clock right over there.”

“Well yes. But I don’t recall asking for the whereabouts of the clock. I specifically asked for the time.”

Luhan parts his lips, ready for a retort when –

 

“I’ll tell you the time,” a voice speaks up from the door. “It’s ‘Sehun gets detention for the fifth time due to tardiness’ a.m. You’re in big trouble Mr Oh.”

Sehun spins around and freezes. Somewhere behind him, he hears a cheerful, “Xingxing, you came!”

Sehun watches speechlessly as the new teaching assistant for his class grins and walks towards Luhan. “Hey babe,” he greets easily with a peck to the latter’s lips.

“W-what are you doing here? Don’t you have class?” Sehun splutters out – mind reeling from the scene he just witnessed.

“Asks the person who is the freaking student,” Yixing shoots him a look. “Why the hell aren’t you in school, Sehun? Baekhyun didn’t sound too pleased when I called him yesterday. I understand he’s the one in charge until your parents get back from their business trip in London?”

“Yes but – “

 

Yixing raises his voice and cuts him off. “In that case, you jolly well should have listened when he warned you about being late again. If he still has that temper he had when we were in university, you better pray hard, Sehun. You might get castrated.”

 

Sehun blinks. “Wait what.”

Luhan speaks up then, fingers entwining with the young assistant teacher’s. “You’re talking about Byun Baekhyun?”

“Yes love, the one and only Byun Baekhyun. You remember him, don’t you?” Yixing replies with a fond smile, brown eyes sparkling and dimple winking.

“Of course I do! Oh my god, how long has it been? I have to catch up him soon. What’s his number, Yixing?” Luhan practically squeals in delight.

Sehun resists the urge to faint right there and then (because that would be too humiliating). He points at the two other boys and chokes out, “You three know each other? Both of you know Baekhyun hyung? This is…this is insane. How can things be so coincidental?”

 

Yixing answers for them (Luhan is too preoccupied with trying to be a Koala to his eucalyptus tree). “It’s a small world after all? But I reckon the more pressing question right now is what you’re still doing here. Please don’t tell me I have to escort you to class.”

Sehun grabs his drink. “Alright alright, I’m going. One more question. Are you two together?”

It’s Luhan who answers this time. He looks up from Yixing’s neck and glances at the youngest. “Isn’t it obvious? Or is this information too complex and profound for pretty boy’s mind to compute?”

Sehun whistles – long and low. “Jongin is going to be so gutted. Wait till I tell him.”

“Jongin? What does he have to do with this?”

“Don’t you know? He has the hots for you, hyung.”

 

Yixing looks thoughtful for a brief second. “Does he? I thought he fancied Kyungsoo and Chanyeol? No matter though,” he shrugs lightly and bends to kiss Luhan’s nose. “I have no time for high school kids.”

 

He looks up and shoots Sehun a look. “Class. Now.”

“Yes sir, I’m going,” Sehun mumbles and gives a mock salute before shuffling out of the door, the faint tinkle of bells following him.

 

 

-

 

 

By the time Sehun reaches the school grounds, it’s already lunch period. He seeks out his best friend in the cafeteria and drags the boy to the vacant parking lot.

“Don’t waste your time on Yixing, he’s attached. The new cashier dude at Starbucks was all over him.”

Jongin frowns lightly. “Really? Ah..that’s too bad. He had a pretty fine ass. I’d totally tap that if he was available. It isn’t meant to be I guess.”

“Wait, that’s it? You – “

The light pressure of Jongin’s full lips on his cuts him off.

Sehun blinks owlishly and licks his bottom lip. “What was that for?”

“Whipped cream,” Jongin says, shit-eating grin on his stupidly handsome face.

  
Oh, Sehun thinks, _oh._

 

The name's Sehun, Oh Sehun.

**Author's Note:**

> what even is that ending omg.
> 
> I'm sorry okay, I didn't know how to end this ;;;


End file.
